Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
