The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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