If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
