Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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