What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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