Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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