That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
