found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize