I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
