There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
