Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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