Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
