and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
