my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
