I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
