ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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