omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize