I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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