Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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