I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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