you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the day after is always just damage control
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
