i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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