I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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