Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
you traded sex for a burrito?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
