Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
