Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
