Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
