see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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