I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
