Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
