I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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