She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
