shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
