you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
