This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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