i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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