I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
