there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
