Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
