I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize