he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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