I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
