Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
