I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
