she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
