Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
