I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
