Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
