You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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