Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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