Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
