got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
