On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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