Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
