You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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