your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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