thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize