Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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