That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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